No Nothing November – Day 2 – This will be difficult

It has only been one day, ONE DAY, since I started “No Nothing November” and already I am seeing how difficult it’s going to be. However, these difficulties are making me learn a lot about myself, so I am incredibly thankful for that.

The last time I smoked weed was this past Sunday, almost a week ago.  I have never thought of myself as a seriously habitual marijuana user, hell, there’s some people that smoke it literally every day, start their work days with a wake and bake, and end up spending hundreds of dollars like it’s nothing. I was never at that stage (although I did wake and bake at my job a few times, but we’re talking 3-4 times in ALL the time I worked there).

However, I have come to realize that I have been relying on pot as the end all be all cure for everything that ails me.

Girl problems? Just blaze.

Work problems? Just blaze.

Feeling sick? Just blaze.

Feeling bored? Just blaze.

Even if I am not a daily smoker, the fact that I know I can rely on pot to chill me out if I REALLY need it is ingrained in the back of my mind.

Yesterday – there was a work emergency at my job. A real emergency that only I could solve and it needed to be solved ASAP. I got a phone call about it around 6:40, smack in the middle of my crossfit session. And yes, I had my phone on me during my workout because I needed to calculate my squatting percentages.

I became enraged. How dare they interrupt my workout? How DARE they waste my valuable time. And yes – that was a good point, but the anger was so intense it almost felt like I had tunnel vision. I recognized it, tried to manually change my mood, realize the stupidity of this blind anger, but I couldn’t. Had this happened on another day, I could have simply said “don’t worry, you can blaze after”. Simple. Effective. But now I had to deal with my anger without that magic “light switch” that, when turned on, instantly elevates my mood and makes me not worry about anything.

I don’t want to be angry. I hate anger. I don’t know if I mentioned this on the blog before, but my father was a rather short tempered violent person. He would snap seemingly out of nowhere and take it out on me. My childhood can be summed up as a giant game of “don’t piss off dad”. My best days were Saturdays and Sundays where he had to work weekends, and I wouldn’t have to worry about him being around the house. My childhood hockey games set the mood for the rest of the weekend, and if I dared to have a bad game, he would take it out on me the entire day, then blame me for everything wrong with the family. One time in the car, he grabbed me by the back of the head and slammed my face against the dashboard, then threatened to move the entire family back to Russia saying “this is only the beginning”. Another time, he threw one of those thick paperback books and hit me right in the ear, opening up a giant cut. Once he gave me a black eye and told me to say that I got into a fight at hockey practice if someone at school asks.

I hate him. My entire goal in life is to not be like him. I haven’t spoken to him in 9 years. Shit, my “nice guy syndrome” was derived half from the extreme approval seeking behavior I grew up with and half from promising myself that I would never treat women in the way he treated my mother.  And every time I get angry, every time I rage,  I become terrified because I see his anger in me, that I am becoming him, that I am truly his son, and that is terrifying.

I like myself now. I like that I am chilled out, I like that I’m optimistic, and I know that pot had a HUGE influence on that. I just need to be that person without weed. I guess November will show me what I’m made of. I love weed, but it can’t be my crutch any longer.

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3 Responses to No Nothing November – Day 2 – This will be difficult

  1. theshido says:

    Heavy shit man. Weed’s got great potential for bettering your inner game and helping you out when you’re in a funk but you gotta realize when it’s time to cut that shit out. Wondering what you’ll think when you smoke after your break.

  2. rivsdiary says:

    intense stuff. good writing man. you gotta let that shit out. those “deep scripts” and deep fears need to come out.

  3. Pingback: No Nothing November – Day 11 – Relapse and Recovery | Kid Strangelove

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