I really had no idea how I was going to finish this series, so I decided to let it sit there for a little bit while life plays itself out so maybe I can learn a few lessons and see a few things from a different perspective. Being “rough” made me miserable, being “soft” left me celibate, so what was I to do if I wanted a fulfilling sex life without hating myself at the same time? The answers came from two seemingly unrelated events just a week apart from one another.
It’s always weird having your birthday be on a Sunday, but thankfully, I have adopted a wonderful American tradition and made it my own – the “Birthday Week”. That Wednesday through Saturday night we had a packed schedule: bars, dinner, art galleries, hookah, Batman – all the things that I wanted to do. I was delighted – I was hanging out with my friends, partying, having a good time, and forgetting all of the worlds troubles as I was ready to turn 28. There were some girls, there were some numbers exchanged, texts sent, flakes flaking, the usual run around that I have come to expect, but it wasn’t really phasing me. But then Saturday night, while I was out with maybe 8-10 of my friends, I see a girl that’s by herself. The amount of beer, wine, tequila and strangely colored mixed drinks that I consumed that night made my memory nice and fuzzy concerning the details, but after about an hour of seeing this girl by herself, I was banging her in my apartment.
How the fuck did that just happen? I chalked it up to a good night and “birthday luck” and didn’t think much of it after.
A week after came one of the most magical evenings in sports – the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games. Little known fact about me – I LOVE the Olympic games and I LOVE the opening ceremonies. It was always one of the few things that my family and I always did together – watch the ceremonies, even as our lives moved us into different parts of the world, that day has always been special.
I’ve been talking to this girl on OkCupid for a few weeks, we seemed to have lots in common, and we arrange to meet up. I realized after we made our plans that we were to hang out on the same day as the Olympic opening ceremonies. Cool, I figured we would play some minigolf, go to this awesome bar nearby to drink and watch the ceremonies, and after – who knows? Before I know it – she is running late which means minigolf is cancelled. 20 minutes into our hangout she takes a phone call, and 20 minutes after that she leaves because of a “work emergency”. I didn’t bother texting her after, and was waiting for her to text me to apologize and reschedule. No such text ever came, and she deleted her okcupid profile a day or two later. Bummer.
So what do these situations have in common? Nothing at first glance – heck, I got laid in the first scenario and sent home to masturbate in the second. But after a second glance, you see that one thing ties this entire mess together – expectation, namely its presense and lack thereof.
In the first story I had good times with my best friends and felt wonderful. I EXPECTED to have a good time with my friends, I EXPECTED that they were going to deliver the fun, and they prevailed, because they’re my friends and they love me and I love them. My friends met and bested the expectations that I had because their happiness is tied into my happiness. The fact that I had my expectations for entertainment met by my friends and by me made me immune to rejection and led me to a sexual encounter. I honestly didn’t care if the girl accepted or rejected my advances, because I was already having fun and smiling and she had no obligation to provide any of that for me.
If you look at the 2nd story, however, you see that I was sharing this emotional experience with a girl I haven’t even met yet. That is a lot of pressure to put on someone you JUST met, and she cracked under the expectation. There wasn’t a work emergency I’m sure of it, and even if there was – she didn’t text me and deleted her profile.
Expectation was the reason the Gentleman Style didn’t work. If you’re going to buy a girl stuff it will set off a trigger in her head – “he bought me this dinner now he probably EXPECTS me to sleep with him, so I wont. Who does he think he is?”. Or it sets of another expectation that she has – “Oh, he’s treating me like such a gentleman, guess I’ll treat him like a lady – no sex for at least two months because I want him to think I’m a good girl, now where is that bartender’s number?”.
This conclusion is really fucked up, because you SHOULD expect something from a potential romantic partner, and she SHOULD expect certain things from you – after all, that’s how a partnership works. But at the first stage it’s not a partnership, and unfortunately, you have to kill these expectations.
But killing the expectations is actually pretty simple. Read a book, find a hobby you like, drink with friends, play your favorite video game – do something that you KNOW will bring a genuine smile to your face no matter what. That way – you are so happy with your life that anyone that is on the verge of coming into it is incredibly lucky, and if they don’t – then no worries – you have your unlimited sources of happiness to go back to. Rejection becomes barely noticeable and loses its effect – I probably got rejected dozens of times over the course of my birthday weekend with no consequences, while, on the flip side, a rejection during an unhappy time in my life or after giving someone expectations will sting a lot more.
I think I’m going to give my friends a call