So here’s a little stream of conciousness post about my attempt at No Fap February. Pardon the shitty writing style.
At first it wasn’t too tough to not fap. I had a very busy week last week and between working on my side money project and exercise, the 1st and 2nd were pretty easy. The weekend was easy too because Friday and Saturday I spent the days catching up with friends out of town, so alcohol and unattractive friends dulled my sensation.
The real trouble began yesterday, on Super Bowl Sunday. I realized that I was taking rejections VERY personally, which is something I hardly ever do. My ego absolutely exploded – I would often think “how can this girl who I am absolutely doing a GIGANTIC favor to not want to talk to me? This is nonsense”. I felt that all the work I was putting into myself, from the hustle of trying to start my side business, to not being able to properly walk for days because I was squatting so heavy, to picking out awesome clothes and poking my eyes with contact lenses was being put down by someone who would never even begin to put a 10th of an effort as I do into themselves. It was a weird feeling. I know I shouldn’t overreact, but damn that shit was upsetting.
I also realized just how segregated NYC can be. Not by race or religion, but by girl hotness. The bar was packed with girls, but not a single one of them was a stunner. Not a single one of them turned my head in such a way that I said “damn, now that is incredible, I MUST go talk to her.”. And I know these girls exist, I mean I am in NYC after all, but they go to the kinds of bars and clubs that come with their own sets of problems – namely, bottle service and dudes that are desperate enough to try and outbid you with their wallets. An attractive woman in NYC can survive almost exclusively on the “generosity” of others, and a LOT of them do. Every so often a story like that will “break” into the mainstream – about a woman admitting that she only uses dudes for food and drinks and justifies it as perfectly normal. And of course, this elicits the expected outcries. But is anyone really surprised? I’m not. Hell, I complain about Stumble Inn being a sausage fest with 6’s, but yet I go back – and you know why? $2 dollar beers.
And to counter the stream of 6’s, I realized how hard it is to escape sexual images all around us. Everywhere I go, I see the faces and bodies of the most beautiful women in the world all around me. Every billboard, every commercial, every web site tries to sell you some goal which real life sets as unattainable. And it’s frustrating. Just imagine, randomly finding this:
And then, going back to this:
Yeah. It’s frustrating.
Add to that – my usually indestructible okcupid method has been yielding no results since I became single again in December. Since then, I have gone out on only 1 okucpid date that went absolutely nowhere. I need to fuck something quick.
However, I can sense that good things are coming, and I am incredibly hype. I have more energy than I’ve ever had, and my life seems to be going in a great direction. This tense-ness is a temporary hurdle.
anyway, time to go kick the rest of today’s ass.