For a few weeks now, I’ve been casually seeing (mostly sexing) a new girl who we’ll call Miss Bateman. She’s 24, apparently makes a lot of money and loves spending it. Something about her screams “ballbuster”, but I have never experienced that side of her. Since the first night we met, and fucked, she has done nothing but sing my praises, and say and do all of the right things. I know that deep down she pines for some sort of suit wearing NYC super corporate executive type, but my long hair, hippy attitude and refusal to be intimidated, moved or otherwise concerned about things that she does that would give most other men fits gets her “gina tingling”. I love that expression.
This is how she got the nickname (text message convo – we were supposed to hang out and a friend of hers was going to be there):
Me: Should i bring a friend for your homegirl?
Her: Absolutely – must be attractive
Me: Male attractiveness is not really set in stone as the long battle between manorexic hipsters and jersey guidos proves. What’s her preference ? lol
Her: None of the above. Think Patrick Bateman
Me ((referring to my 200+K a year making roomate)): What if he acts like Patrick Bateman without the murder and looks like Seth Rogan.
Her: Seth Rogan’s a dealbreaker. Murder ok
Me ((referring to my 200+K a year making trader friend)): what about patrick bateman paper and attitude in an indian package.
So we’re set to meet up that Thursday and she told me to meet her and her friend at the bar of the Jane Hotel. Jane Hotel was a weird place – it was randomly turning people away at the door because the night was “guestlist only”, but once Miss Bateman escorted me in, I quickly saw the result – the place was mostly girls, most of the girls were dressed up and properly skinny, and 90% of the men were gay. Note to self – come back to the Jane Hotel by yourself… Say you’re gay at the door or something.
Hilarity continues to ensue. For the sake of her story, lets call her friend LoveLost
Me: Hey, sorry that your friend isn’t into baller Seth Rogan types.
Her: It’s all good. Do you mind if we stay out a bit. I need to find LoveLost a guy.
Great. You’re trying to find a guy in a bar that’s mostly pretty girls and gay dudes. Great venue choice.
LoveLost: Hey Kid, want this beer? Some boy got it for me but I don’t want it.
So you happen to find one of 7 straight guys in the venue, he gets you a drink and you ignore and bush him off. Nice. I suggest going to a bar that dudes actually hang out in (aka any bar with good beer prices), the girls agree.
We head to Brass Monkey – a loud, packed, and mostly sausage-y bar nearby. Things should be good right? Not so fast, logical readers.
Me: There’s groups of dudes everywhere, go talk to one of them
LoveLost: Nooo, I’m not that kind of girl. I want them to talk to me.
Miss Bateman: can you pretend you’re gay when they talk to us? I dont want you to scare them off and cockblock LoveLost.
Yeah, that’s not happening. When one of the guys questions her high paying job, she starts flipping her shit and thinks its normal. I tell her that she’s cock blocking her friend and she eventually settles down.
I think 3 different groups of guys talked to her. Well spoken, well dressed, attractive guys. She turned them all down, only to complain about her lack of love life seconds later.
Throughout the night LoveLost was texting her “boytoy”, and she continuously asked me for what to say in the text.
Me: So is this your boyfriend or potential boyfriend?
LoveLost: No, we’re just hooking up casually and openly, a relationship would never work.
Me: So just text him – “hey let’s meet up tonight for some fun and sex”, don’t be afraid of being direct, if its a casual hookup relationship then he wont care. theres no piing for leverage.
Her: that’s not true, I can’t seem to eager, I gotta play the game!
Me: so you like this guy. There’s no other reason to invoke leverage.
Her: shut up, no I don’t.
I hate to generalize, I hate to judge (and be judged), but I’d like to say that behavior like this is isolated and individual but i know its not true. I leave you with these wise words:
“I’m not like most girls” – Most Girls